Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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