So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What drink are we having for lunch?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
