You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
