Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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