So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
