my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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