Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
