K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
