you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
