You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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