There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
