I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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