I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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