Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
