Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize