It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
