Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
