respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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