Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
