My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
