Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
