Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
