Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
