hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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