The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
