booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
