I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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