you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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