I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
