well I can't set my house on fire every night
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
