I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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