Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
