theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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