i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
