Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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