i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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