What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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