So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
