All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
