every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
