We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
