Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
