We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
