Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
