I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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