if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
