I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize