I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
