We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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