I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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