I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
