theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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