Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
