When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
NoShamevember. You game?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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