my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think i have two assholes
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
