planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
