Already got asked if we're dating
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
