we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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