On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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