Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
