my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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