Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
